Sunday, November 30, 2008
I'm feeling a little scared right now--what have I done wrong in the past? Will I repeat those mistakes? I hope not. I'd like to think that motherhood has changed me. I'm still very outspoken, even a tad tactless sometimes, but being responsible for this little fireball has changed my perspective on what is truly important. Unfortunately, I've also become more suspicious and less sure of myself. Hard to believe, right? I make no apologies for most of what I do (I mean, who's perfect?), and yet, I still have lots to work on.
Work is still great. And Katie continues to surprise and delight me. How lucky am I? Things are going so well that I'm concerned something bad is bound to happen soon. Let's hope for the best!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
On a different note, one of my co-workers in my division took me out on a date today! I was quite surprised to receive the invitation in the first place and also very flattered. We had a great time. Of course, I'm a bit cautious; it's hard not to be when things have gone so poorly in the past. But I'm staying optimistic. This fellow is interesting and has tricks up his sleeves that amuse me. We'll see how it goes!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Katie's fever has come and gone again and again, so we're going to the doctor this afternoon. I am ready for drugs. Really. She is so miserable and so am I. So I'm having cookies for lunch.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
But anyway, the news is that Katie turned 1 on Sunday! I can't believe I have a toddler on my hands. She is standing on her own a little bit and will probably be walking before you know it. We had nice visit with her father's family in Augusta. Thankfully, they're coming to visit in December-that drive is a bear to do by yourself at night, especially with all the construction on I-85. Rain followed me the entire way to Atlanta last Friday.
And I'm seeing someone. It's really nice to have somebody who likes talking to you, wants to spend time with you, and even takes you out for a good meal every now and then!
Oh, crying baby. Gotta go.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
The past couple of weeks, I have lost a few pounds--not exactly in the way I should. I got sick as a dog and then haven't been eating supper, really. Certainly helps the budget! I'm still working on eating enough vegetables. I have only eaten a few pieces of bread, though, and honestly, that is amazing to me. I'm gonna keep this up!
I've also been venturing out back into the dating game. It hasn't gone as well as I'd like. Most dudes are completely frightened by the fact I have a child. One even chatted with me a few weeks, asked me out, and then bailed. It's disappointing since I have never hidden for even one moment that I'm a mom. I do have a lunch date tomorrow, though, and maybe it'll go well. the fellow seems very kind. I haven't been around much kindness recently. Friendly? yes. But not kind. There's a difference.
Katie Bel is cruising along these days. They're encouraging her to walk at daycare, but I'm ok if it takes a lot longer! She's also not saying much. I'm ready to hear some words, dangit!
This weekend, I'm going to a friend's home for a cookout. This is the first time I've hung out with friends in almost six months. thank goodness for change.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I'm beat. That pretty much sums up the past month. Work is exhausting and I go to bed by 8:30 most nights. Tonight is special because the finale of Project Runway is on. I know, I know, I could wait until it is a re-run but where's the fun in that?!? I've already got lunch ready for tomorrow, all of Katie's bottles ready, and I've got 2 minutes of diaper stuffing before the show starts in 30 minutes.
I got back my health assessment results from work. My cholesterol is excellent, my thyroid is great, I am not pre-diabetic or anything...but my risk for stroke is high. Despite my "risk-age" being calculated as 26.5, my risk for stroke in the next 10 years is really high for someone my age. It's because I need to lose a few pounds and because of my blood pressure. My BP has been high most of my life regardless of weight, diet, or stress level. Not blazing high, but still high. I need to be more proactive about it, especially since Katie needs me alive, so I've decided right here and now that I have to figure out what works for me. I've read enough nutrition books to know what the science says and yet I think that each person has to tweak the equation for good health.
My personal weakness is bread. I have been known to eat buttered bread for supper. I probably need to cut that out. In the past couple of days, I've been focusing on getting enough fruits and veggies, with an emphasis on protein and leafy greens. I used to hate making salads at home, and now I know why---I HATE ROMAINE LETTUCE! I think it tastes funny. So I found an alternative at the grocery store. It's not iceberg, I promise, it's very green, but much more tender and tasty.
I have also hit a major milestone in my life. I am drinking un-sweet tea. Yes, in the South, if you do not drink brown sugar water, it's called "un-sweet" as if they have added the sugar and then distilled it out. Silly, I know. And when I say un-sweet, I mean without any sugar OR sugar substitute. Go me! It actually tastes good!
Katie is growing. She's eating real food and prefers to feed herself. She loves bananas and that makes her colon sad, so she's also drinking juice to keep things moving. I think I've got a monkey on my hands! She'll be turning 1 in 3 weeks. WTF?! I love that stinker so much and can't believe it's almost been a year. It's flown by.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
What really gets me, though, is that I skipped my daily visit to see Katie today so I could work out and it totally wasn't worth it. I didn't realize how much those visits meant to me until this evening when I missed her so badly it hurt. I've managed to compartmentalize my work life from my home life, so I don't dwell on missing Katie too much usually. But when your baby starts screaming the second you enter the classroom, it's heartbreaking, especially when she is all smiles when finally picked up. Good to know I'm needed...
Monday, September 8, 2008
I'm having issues at work. Not with the work itself, but with perception. More later.
I have brown hair again. I got sick of looking in the mirror. It's not saturated since I only had one box of color, but i think it looks pretty good. I even managed to color my eyebrows.
The bread's almost done. Off I go.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Yes, I am a loser. I go to bed so early that updating this thing just doesn't happen much. In the picture above, ignore the dudes. Katie looks so cute, though!
So I've been gainfully employed for 4 weeks. And I don't want to beat any of my coworkers...yet. That says a lot considering how intolerant I can be sometimes. I won't say much about it since I do not want to make enemies so early, but I will say that some of my co-workers remind me of GA Tech folks. I wonder if you've always got to have the same types of people at each workplace. The pleaser, the workaholic, the one who makes friends with everyone within 30 seconds, the slacker, the know-it-all, the dry wit....not sure where I fit into that. I guess I've always been pretty friendly, but I am also a know-it-all. I'm a gossip. I'm a ham. I just can't help myself.
The last time a dude held my hand was March 27, 2007. For some reason, the past week has been very very bad and I've been dwelling on this "dry spell". I've put that in quotes because honestly, I would consider a spell to not be 18 long freakin' months. Of course, if someone asked me out, what would I do? Would I say yes? Would I believe even one word that came out of his mouth? And anyway, don't I deserve this? I mean, I chose to have a baby outside of marriage. Did I honestly think it wouldn't be this lonely? Ugh, now I'm whining and I hate whiners.
I'm joining the gym at work to take the body pump classes. That way, I won't feel like whining anymore because I'll be too busy sweating. i don't have delusions of a hot body. I only want my clothes to fit like they used to without resorting to plastic surgery. Of course, I'd have to perform that surgery myself, and I'd rather not. Exercise would be much easier. I guess.
It is totally past my bedtime. Maybe I'll dream about something really juicy tonight.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
I got some things in the mail from my mother and this little hat was among them. Of course, Katie had to try it on. Or, should I say, mommy had to put it on her..
Katie and I are both sick. It's been awful! She got a nasty cold and then gave it to me. It's been so bad that I broke down and took her to the doctor, something I never do with myself. But it had been 10 days of hacking and sniffling, and I had had enough of my poor baby being miserable. I was ready to hear, "It's just a virus" since she had only had a mild fever a week ago. The nurse practitioner said, though, that it was perfect timing for us to come in because 10 days was just too long. So now Katie is on some medicine--provided free by Publix pharmacy--and I hope she gets better soon. I also hope that I get better.
This week was orientation at work. Woah, Nelly! The benefits are awesome. More later. I need a nap.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Taking Katie to daycare, though, was the most traumatic event of all. But I had nothing to worry about! She is having so much fun playing with all their great toys and participating in all the activities that she barely misses me. I do get to see her at lunch time. Thankfully, the center is just across the parking lot from work. It's been hard pumping enough milk...i'm still working on that. However, I have plenty of time to pump and a clean, private room where I go twice a day. That was a relief.
The biggest change has been that I am very exhausted at the end of the day, and so is Katie. She plays very hard and doesn't want to nap at the center, so she's a limp rag by the time we get home. I hope she starts napping soon.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Not so this year. By now, I've been of "working age" for 7 years, since I graduated in 2001 from Johns Hopkins--with the oh-so-useful degree in Philosophy. I have a varied resume with most jobs lasting about a year. All have been teaching/training/educating. But I thought my educational credentials would be a blessing and that my personality would make up for any holes in my resume. Unfortunately, they worked against me. I applied to well over one hundred jobs, got immediate letters of rejection from about a dozen, and interviewed three times unsuccessfully before landing this job. I revised my resume many many times in hopes of downplaying my talents, overplaying them, looking smart, looking practical...It was very difficult to figure out what I needed to be saying. I sent bare bones cover letters for low-end jobs, and thoughtful ones for more advanced positions. Sometimes, I'd be rejected for a job within 20 minutes of applying. Since I often sent in applications (that took at least an hour to fill out) at night, that meant no person ever laid eyes on them. Instead, a computer filtered through looking for keywords. So I tried using invisible fonts to insert keywords I thought might help. That tactic didn't work, but I thought it was clever if I do say so myself.
The job I am starting on Monday is a dream job. I will be training adults who work for large companies as they go through a conversion to my corporation's system. So I get to learn technical stuff and teach it. I went through 2 interviews and this time, I was able to be myself. And it paid off. Katie is starting daycare onsite--it's a fabulous place and I'm excited about being blessed enough to get her a spot. It'll be hard to adjust at first since I've been with Katie for months. However, now I'll be able to start paying down debt and building a future for my daughter while working at a job that I hope is personally fulfilling. That'll be a first for me. It only took 28 years for me to start a career.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
I've also had other troubles with feeling blown-off by doctors. They will practically laugh you out of the office if you have an idea that might be different from theirs. I've got Katie on Dr. Sears' vaccination schedule, and it's completely conservative, and many doctors won't even look at it. This guy is on Oprah, folks. He ain't no crackpot!
My biggest problem has been with doctor arrogance. We tend to worship physicians as if they are geniuses. Sure, a huge percentage of my friends who went to medical school are quite intelligent. But since I know so many--I went to Johns Hopkins where at least 50% of graduates are pre-med--I also know that few, if any, deserve the genius label. Many were just looking for prestige, money, or validation. Some were blindly following their parents' wishes. And a couple really liked people and wanted to help. When I look back on high school and the folks who are now practicing, I know that they are probably the ones who smugly look at patients as if they are mere peons. My college friends I know are hard working and are probably great, but I still wonder if they've bought into the whole system of entitlement. Reading about the pharmaceutical industry and how they court physicians with money and power, I can't help but feel it's difficult for doctors to ignore the praise.
While I think the work that doctors do is important, I don't think it's that much more important than the work of sanitation workers. I've made the argument for years that a garbage man makes an equal if not more significant contribution to the welfare of society than a scholar--i'm beginning to think the same thing about other professions. We need every last one of them and yet revere only a few.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
The past eight months have been very lonely for me. I have moved away from my friends in order to be closer to my family, but with no job and no resources (like money!), it's been hard to find satisfying interaction with others like me. I've briefly spoken with some women at the library during story hour for babies, but most of them are military wives. And other single moms? I have a great friend who lives thousands of miles away, but none here who are like me. I'm even afraid to talk about it for fear of seeing "the look". It's the one that people give you when they feel sorry for you.
The only times I've ever felt sorry for myself were right after Katie was born and I had no one to take care of me despite an excruciatingly painful episiotomy and the sleepless nights that followed for weeks. The other tough times have occurred when friends asked me to go out and then were offended I had to say no...and then when friends just stopped calling. Otherwise, I've got my beautiful daughter to keep me company. And now with my job prospects looking better every day, I know things will get back to normal. Soon, I'll have the resources to meet other moms at the local indoor playground. Maybe I'll go on a date or two. Maybe one day I'll have sex again, just maybe--although I will have ample forms of protection. My biggest hope, though, is that I'll be able to provide a good example for Katie as a woman who can balance work, family, AND friends while taking full responsibility for my destiny. A mother who defines herself solely through her children --that was my mother. When we left, she had no identity and she blamed us. I do not want to fall into that trap.
Would I marry Katie's dad just because I'd "tried the whole single mom thing" and it was too hard? Nope. Marriage should be about some kind of meaningful partnership based on at least respect, friendship would be better. Love would only be icing on the cake. But just because I'm lonely? Good Lord, no. I have too much self-respect for that.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Katie Bel is now mobile. She's been scooting around for awhile, but in the past few days, she's really started moving. Everyday, she learns a new skill. It means sleepless days and nights, but the end result is awe-inspiring.
Katie has also grown like a weed. After several months of almost no gain in height, she has grown at least 2 inches, if not more, for a grand total of 27.5 inches. She'll be going on her first date before I know it.
Why is it the norm to assume a substance is safe until proven otherwise? I understand that we can never prove something is safe beyond any shadow of a doubt, but when you're dealing with a natural stone mined from the Earth, I would think that wondering if it were radioactive wouldn't be that far-fetched. But one expert in the article says that they don't even know the provenance of the granite being imported into this country right now.
Lesson for now? Beware exotics, folks. It's better for the planet to stick close to home anyway. And if you're worried, get your granite tested. Maybe go with concrete for your next renovation. That's a super green kitchen finish and pretty trendy, too.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Well, one poster recommended Peachtree Natural Foods as well as Ben's Fresh Market. I've never been to Ben's, but P'tree Natural Foods is very expensive. Plus, it has no produce. The employees do not sample the goods, unlike many natural foods stores I've frequented all over the country. That tends to take away from its authenticity. It also doesn't help that the owners also run supplement-based weight-loss centers. Sends up red flags for me!
Anyway, at the same time, someone complained about the produce from the subscriptions. Several posters responded, wondering how anyone could have a problem with any of it since it's local! Here's what came about as a result (i've removed identifying information).
I was the one who called [the organizer] to express unhappiness about the
produce. I thought some of the vegetables seemed small, the carrots
were way too small, my husband thought it was overpriced compared to
Lewis Jones organics, and we don't like southern vegetables. I have
really tried to like the okra, the turnip greens and the collards, to
name a few, but I guess because I was not raised on them, my family
and I have not been able to like them. We really did try. I love the
idea of a local,co-op farm, and natural foods. I also really love the
farmers that I have met each week at the Loft. This was one of the
hardest things to say, as I really fought with my truth and how much I
liked the people doing all the work for us. I do know how hard it is
on a farm, my husband comes from a farming family. However, it really
is not personal, it is just my experience. I am used to going to Whole
Foods in California and getting organic foods, so I suppose I have
been spoiled. I was very sad to hear about how evil some say Whole
Foods is, I have had the opposite experience.
While I am confessing these sins, I also want to say that I thought
Ben's Market was very overpriced, and I did not think the vegetables
were that fresh. The lettuce was wilted. I bought two potatoes and a
lettuce and a whole chicken, and it cost me $15.00. I don't pretend to
understand economics, but that seems to be a lot. Also the garlic was
sprouting and from Peru, so I can't see how that is local.
I am not interested in getting into a heated argument with anyone, I
try to live my life with compassion and kindness. I just needed to
express my reality about the produce. I hope this group is open to
hearing everyone's opinion about the co-op so the CSA can thrive.
Now, i'm all about varied opinions, but this letter is full-fledged whining. Just because she's seen happy faces at Whole Foods doesn't mean their business practices are sound. I bet she also thinks that Walmart employees are really pleased with their lack of health insurance. Honestly, I don't know what the official beef with WF is. However, I've spent enough time reading about corporate America that I don't trust any company "just because". I also know that the CEO of WF did not want to indicate the place of origin for their produce. hmmm....
And not liking southern vegetables is an issue that can only be solved by moving away from the South. A CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) co-op supports local farms, so you're not going to get other types of vegetables if you live here. Sorry.
FYI: For anyone familiar with online list-serves and message boards, the claim that you are "not interested in getting into a heated argument" is actually a provocation. Go back to California, please. All you do is drive up real estate prices here anyway.
Friday, July 18, 2008
I suppose when I finally get a job--maybe soon--it won't be so bad because I can turn the thermostat to boiling temperatures during the day. In March when the lease is up, Katie and I will move to a more energy efficient place, even if it means downgrading in size. I don't really need all this space anyway.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Unfortunately, that means I'm going to have to give up my morning smoothie if I really mean it. In the past 3 weeks or so, I have been getting in all of my fruits for the day by throwing in a banana with whatever else I got at the grocery store, whether they be strawberries, blueberries, raspberries (only once-heaven!), peaches, oranges, and mango. I put in a few tablespoons of yogurt, a shot of water from the tap, and blend, blend, blend. I've never been one to sit snacking on most fruits. It's just not a habit of mine. But I need to be a better example for my daughter. I don't want her to enjoy a High-Fructose Corn Syrup snack more than a yummy piece of fruit.
But I digress. The problem is that none of these fruits, except for the peaches, came from anywhere near Columbus, GA. All of them were shipped in from afar--thankfully nowhere foreign. Gussow says a place to start is by giving up bananas, the perpetual exotic since they don't grow except in the tropics. I don't really like bananas, but they have their place in my smoothie. Gussow tried to find a banana substitute in paw-paws, though she never had any luck actually producing them from her plants.
So what's a girl to do? For now, I'm going to at least try to stick with items that came from the East Coast. That's as local as I can do with the fruit for now. For veggies, off to the farmer's market. I'm still baking my own bread. Who knows where all the ingredients in that came from!
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Update: I made the cookies. They are heavenly. I made them in three batches, one the first day, another 24 hours later, and finally again today. Not sure if waiting more than 24 hours is worth it, but they really are the best chocolate chip cookies I've ever tasted. I think I've gained 5 lbs.
It turns out that homemade dishwashing detergent doesn't work that well. And the recipe that everyone uses not only doesn't work that well, it SUCKS. 1 part borax to 1 part baking/washing soda. It leaves a nasty film on everything. I had to run a rinse cycle twice with vinegar to get it off. That's not too environmentally friendly, is it?
So I tried an easy alternative I found online: 1/4 c. soda and 1 T dishwashing liquid. I thought, well, I've seen how Dawn can cause the dishwasher to overflow with suds, but that only happens in the movies, right? Plus, 1 T hardly seems like a lot. Let's give it a shot. So I tried it and went to bed. About 30 minutes later, I woke up in a cold sweat, made a run for the kitchen, and witnessed half the floor covered in suds. D'oh! Again, I had to run a couple of cycles to get all the soap out of the system. Again, a waste.
Finally, I ran into another alternative on The New Homemaker. I've copied it here. Don't expect perfection, and yes, I did use the Kool-Aid instead of the citric acid, but it definitely does the job in aiding the dishwasher in sanitizing the dishes. Thanks to Lynn Siprelle of TNH.
I have decided that for the stuff I use, I'm going to do my best to handwash from now on. Katie's stuff goes in the dishwasher. But this mixture saved me lots of dough, so I don't feel so guilty!
In a plastic container with a firmly fitting lid, mix:
1 cup borax
1 cup baking soda
1/4 cup salt
1/4 cup citric acid (available in brewing stores among other places--if you haven't tracked it down yet but must try this formula, use two packets of Lemonade-Flavored Kool-Aid, ONLY lemon, or you'll dye your dishwasher! and ONLY unsweetened Kool-Aid!)
30 drops citrus essential oil--lemon, grapefruit, orange, tangerine, or a mixture
Put all of it in the container, shake it up.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Here's the article on how drug companies won't be handing out that free stuff anymore.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
In an effort to save money and maybe even help the environment a little, I have started making my own laundry detergent. Here's the recipe:
1 cup Grated Soap
1/2 cup Borax
1/2 cup Washing Soda
For the soap, some people use Ivory, others use Fels Naphtha, and I used Zote. I found it at Big Lots for about $.80 a bar. It's bright pink! I used the food processor to grate the soap, first with the grater attachment and then with the regular blade. You have to make sure the pieces of soap are small enough that they'll dissolve in the wash. Borax and Washing Soda are available at the grocery store. Even podunk Columbus had it at the Publix.
Use 1 Tablespoon per load. 2 Tablespoons if it's really dirty stuff. Be forewarned that you want to put the soap in first and blast it with hot or warm water for a few moments before switching to cold if you're doing a cold load. Then put in the clothes. Also, this mixture doesn't suds up. And finally, I put vinegar in a downy fabric softener dispenser so it goes through the rinse. That leaves the clothes fresh feeling and also soft! Yet another great use for vinegar.
The only time I don't use this homemade concoction is when I'm washing cloth diapers. I haven't been brave enough because I'm afraid of the potential buildup. Therefore, I'm still using my tiny bit of Purex for the diapers.
So it really is cheaper to use this method. Most people, of course, use too much detergent in general, so just cutting back could be helpful as well.
Now that I'm in Columbus, I am canceling my membership to the Freecycle community here. It really should be called something like "Cheapskate cycle" or "Freelunchcycle" or "Creepcycle". No one offers anything but ancient mattresses and unwanted pets, something the Atlanta group did not allow. All of the posts are WANT posts. Sure it's allowed, but certainly frowned upon. This week there have been requests for clothes, designer pets, whole houses worth of furniture, and even cars. I have a feeling most of these people aren't successful, but I am appalled by it. I've given away some baby items and a gallon of bleach. Hardly pricey items, but I was one of only a few offering anything at all.
Note to self: never offer bleach again. I got a response from a woman who was going to walk all the way from Phenix City, Alabama, to pick it up. Weird, huh? Well, she came to pick it up the next day, somehow bumming a ride, and I knew immediately why she was willing to walk for free bleach. She was probably a meth addict. I've seen pictures of what meth does to people. It had not even crossed my mind that a cleaner would be used for nefarious purposes. Makes me very sad.
Crying baby alert. More later.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
I wanted to draw your attention to this important petition that I recently signed:
"Keep Home Birth Legal"
I really think this is an important cause, and I'd like to encourage you to add your signature, too. It's free and takes less than a minute of your time.
In three days, I'll be 28 years old. Every time my dad mentions this fact, I remind him that he is my Dad. He looks at me and says, "Damn! How old am I, then?" And now that he is a grandfather, he wonders if that makes him old. I wonder the same thing about myself.
We have a tradition in our family to go to the Japanese Steakhouse--named as such since it could be Benihana or any of its competitors--eat until we're going to explode, drink a little too much, and then ask the question to whoever is celebrating: What have you learned in the past year?
This year, I'm not sure what to say. It might be that the past twelve months have been the most spectacular, frightening, enlightening, and otherwise life-changing months I have ever experienced. I have watched my baby brother become a man as he navigates both a new marriage as a husband and a submarine as a nuclear engineer. I have gotten drastically closer and more distant with various family members, including my father and mother, my step-family, and even my half-sisters. I have left academia, an environment both intoxicating and frustrating, so that I can pursue more meaningful, albeit currently unknown, work. And most importantly, I have given birth to my daughter Katherine Bel, this precious little girl who makes me laugh, confuses me, needs me, whom I love more than anything or anyone I've ever known.
Katie Bel is now 8 months old, trying to crawl and communicate more and more each day. She has taught me patience by crying for almost three months straight, gratitude by being healthy, generosity by demanding everything I have...the list goes on and on. I'm not sure I was worth much to the human race before my daughter leaped into my life. But now, I think I have something to offer other people, whether it's knowledge, laughter, anger, or support. And it only took me 28 years.