Get with the program suburbanites!

So i was surfing around on babycenter in the green/crunchy moms group, and I clicked into a thread on line drying. I am totally sold on it. Even Ryan is. So once I move into his house, we're setting up a line in the backyard. We'll see how well that works--In memphis, line drying could lead to stinkiness. A weird industrial odor. But it might work. Otherwise, we'll set up the bonus room so we can hang stuff inside. Bound to save energy.

But here's the kicker. Some of the BBC ladies were talking about overbearing homeowner's associations who regulate the use of clothing lines. GET OVER IT, NEIGHBORHOOD NAZIS! We all know where the prejudice comes from. Only poor people don't own clothing dryers, right? Well, jump on the green bandwagon and let neighbors line dry with pride. That would be a selling point for me if I were looking to purchase in a certain area.

Of course, maybe line-drying is a gateway activity into drinking 40s out of a paper bag in the front yard...

A New Year

So Ryan's been on my back about changing my blog title. Guess I should do it, although "Mean, Green, and Taken" doesn't have that nice ring to it. Just kidding, Ryan.

I'm going on my first business trip tomorrow. My dad and Ryan will be watching Katie. Luckily, since it's during the week, she can go to daycare. It won't be much different for her. But I am going to miss her terribly. She gets sweeter and more wonderful every day.

Katie Bel is walking almost full-time these days. And she can say all sorts of words. How blessed I am.

Anyway, i have to get ready for my trip now. There is laundry everywhere...

Again?

For the first time in two and a half years, I am officially in a relationship. WTF? You may ask, what about Katie's dad? Weren't you together 18 months ago? Not really, guys. We never connected emotionally, and we both knew it would end with his move to the West Coast.

I'm feeling a little scared right now--what have I done wrong in the past? Will I repeat those mistakes? I hope not. I'd like to think that motherhood has changed me. I'm still very outspoken, even a tad tactless sometimes, but being responsible for this little fireball has changed my perspective on what is truly important. Unfortunately, I've also become more suspicious and less sure of myself. Hard to believe, right? I make no apologies for most of what I do (I mean, who's perfect?), and yet, I still have lots to work on.

Work is still great. And Katie continues to surprise and delight me. How lucky am I? Things are going so well that I'm concerned something bad is bound to happen soon. Let's hope for the best!

A good week

Well, this week has been an excellent one, although I'd have to say it took an unexpected twist. More on that later. Katie Bel has all of a sudden become very interested in her toys--and she loves figuring things out now. She's also standing on her own. In fact, every time she does it, she claps for herself. They must do that at daycare. It's so cute. I still miss my baby Katie during the workday. Going at lunch, however, has proven to be bad for both of us. She cries when I leave, and so do I. No more.

On a different note, one of my co-workers in my division took me out on a date today! I was quite surprised to receive the invitation in the first place and also very flattered. We had a great time. Of course, I'm a bit cautious; it's hard not to be when things have gone so poorly in the past. But I'm staying optimistic. This fellow is interesting and has tricks up his sleeves that amuse me. We'll see how it goes!

Here we go again

Well, as quickly as it started, it ended. No longer seeing that someone anymore---it's not a huge deal, not like I had invested a huge amount of energy in it, but the reason it's over is the same as usual. The shy ones are intimidated by my outgoing personality, while the ones who share many of my characteristics feel I'm in competition with them. I feel like I can't win, no pun intended. I love that movie Something's Gotta Give with Jack and Diane. The best scene is when Frances McDormand lectures Jack on how interesting women, unable to find a partner, end up pursuing hobbies that make them even more interesting, and therefore less attractive to men. Not every relationship/experience has reinforced that theory, but most have. So maybe I should become a playwright? Haha, not likely.

Katie's fever has come and gone again and again, so we're going to the doctor this afternoon. I am ready for drugs. Really. She is so miserable and so am I. So I'm having cookies for lunch.

Where is that damn rule book?

Ok, I feel like an idiot. I spent almost 2 hours trying to get Katie to go to bed and stay there until I realized she might be hungry. She's only been nibbling and sipping all day--I guess because she's not feeling well. So she sucked down a few ounces and literally fell out within a few seconds. Dead asleep in my arms. Poor thing. You'd think after a year I'd know what my child needs. D'oh!

Home Sick

Today Katie is sick. We had to stay home from work/daycare because of it. Guess that's pretty good since Katie started daycare 3 months ago. I'm a little upset since it means I now won't have any vacation after Christmas. Sure, it's only one day, but it sucks that Katie will have to go to daycare that day unless my family helps out.

But anyway, the news is that Katie turned 1 on Sunday! I can't believe I have a toddler on my hands. She is standing on her own a little bit and will probably be walking before you know it. We had nice visit with her father's family in Augusta. Thankfully, they're coming to visit in December-that drive is a bear to do by yourself at night, especially with all the construction on I-85. Rain followed me the entire way to Atlanta last Friday.

And I'm seeing someone. It's really nice to have somebody who likes talking to you, wants to spend time with you, and even takes you out for a good meal every now and then!

Oh, crying baby. Gotta go.

Quite a change

The past couple of weeks, I have lost a few pounds--not exactly in the way I should. I got sick as a dog and then haven't been eating supper, really. Certainly helps the budget! I'm still working on eating enough vegetables. I have only eaten a few pieces of bread, though, and honestly, that is amazing to me. I'm gonna keep this up!

I've also been venturing out back into the dating game. It hasn't gone as well as I'd like. Most dudes are completely frightened by the fact I have a child. One even chatted with me a few weeks, asked me out, and then bailed. It's disappointing since I have never hidden for even one moment that I'm a mom. I do have a lunch date tomorrow, though, and maybe it'll go well. the fellow seems very kind. I haven't been around much kindness recently. Friendly? yes. But not kind. There's a difference.

Katie Bel is cruising along these days. They're encouraging her to walk at daycare, but I'm ok if it takes a lot longer! She's also not saying much. I'm ready to hear some words, dangit!

This weekend, I'm going to a friend's home for a cookout. This is the first time I've hung out with friends in almost six months. thank goodness for change.

Back Again

I'm beat. That pretty much sums up the past month. Work is exhausting and I go to bed by 8:30 most nights. Tonight is special because the finale of Project Runway is on. I know, I know, I could wait until it is a re-run but where's the fun in that?!? I've already got lunch ready for tomorrow, all of Katie's bottles ready, and I've got 2 minutes of diaper stuffing before the show starts in 30 minutes.

I got back my health assessment results from work. My cholesterol is excellent, my thyroid is great, I am not pre-diabetic or anything...but my risk for stroke is high. Despite my "risk-age" being calculated as 26.5, my risk for stroke in the next 10 years is really high for someone my age. It's because I need to lose a few pounds and because of my blood pressure. My BP has been high most of my life regardless of weight, diet, or stress level. Not blazing high, but still high. I need to be more proactive about it, especially since Katie needs me alive, so I've decided right here and now that I have to figure out what works for me. I've read enough nutrition books to know what the science says and yet I think that each person has to tweak the equation for good health.

My personal weakness is bread. I have been known to eat buttered bread for supper. I probably need to cut that out. In the past couple of days, I've been focusing on getting enough fruits and veggies, with an emphasis on protein and leafy greens. I used to hate making salads at home, and now I know why---I HATE ROMAINE LETTUCE! I think it tastes funny. So I found an alternative at the grocery store. It's not iceberg, I promise, it's very green, but much more tender and tasty.

I have also hit a major milestone in my life. I am drinking un-sweet tea. Yes, in the South, if you do not drink brown sugar water, it's called "un-sweet" as if they have added the sugar and then distilled it out. Silly, I know. And when I say un-sweet, I mean without any sugar OR sugar substitute. Go me! It actually tastes good!

Katie is growing. She's eating real food and prefers to feed herself. She loves bananas and that makes her colon sad, so she's also drinking juice to keep things moving. I think I've got a monkey on my hands! She'll be turning 1 in 3 weeks. WTF?! I love that stinker so much and can't believe it's almost been a year. It's flown by.

Plan B

Well, I don't have one yet. But I need a Plan B. I show up for the body pump class at work and turns out that being 10 minutes early actually meant I was about 30 minutes too late to find a spot. One person reserves half the spots for her friends. I can't take that much time out of my day. A colleague has offered to take me to Curves this Thursday, so i'll give it a shot. I just don't want to pay for it!

What really gets me, though, is that I skipped my daily visit to see Katie today so I could work out and it totally wasn't worth it. I didn't realize how much those visits meant to me until this evening when I missed her so badly it hurt. I've managed to compartmentalize my work life from my home life, so I don't dwell on missing Katie too much usually. But when your baby starts screaming the second you enter the classroom, it's heartbreaking, especially when she is all smiles when finally picked up. Good to know I'm needed...

Knowing my place

Today a colleague gave his first presentation. It went very differently from mine. While my presentation ended up leaving lots of questions unanswered due to my complete lack of expertise on the subject--FYI it was only for practicing presentation skills, not building expertise necessarily--this one had very little that seemed unfinished. I really wonder, though, if that's a correct assessment. I've always prided myself on authoritative bullshit, but with this group at work, I avoided pretending because these people actually DO know, unlike my previous audiences who tended to be completely unfamiliar with the subject matter. We'll see how the next one goes, both for me and for the other newbies.

I'm having issues at work. Not with the work itself, but with perception. More later.

I have brown hair again. I got sick of looking in the mirror. It's not saturated since I only had one box of color, but i think it looks pretty good. I even managed to color my eyebrows.

The bread's almost done. Off I go.

I know, I know

Yes, I am a loser. I go to bed so early that updating this thing just doesn't happen much. In the picture above, ignore the dudes. Katie looks so cute, though!

So I've been gainfully employed for 4 weeks. And I don't want to beat any of my coworkers...yet. That says a lot considering how intolerant I can be sometimes. I won't say much about it since I do not want to make enemies so early, but I will say that some of my co-workers remind me of GA Tech folks. I wonder if you've always got to have the same types of people at each workplace. The pleaser, the workaholic, the one who makes friends with everyone within 30 seconds, the slacker, the know-it-all, the dry wit....not sure where I fit into that. I guess I've always been pretty friendly, but I am also a know-it-all. I'm a gossip. I'm a ham. I just can't help myself.

The last time a dude held my hand was March 27, 2007. For some reason, the past week has been very very bad and I've been dwelling on this "dry spell". I've put that in quotes because honestly, I would consider a spell to not be 18 long freakin' months. Of course, if someone asked me out, what would I do? Would I say yes? Would I believe even one word that came out of his mouth? And anyway, don't I deserve this? I mean, I chose to have a baby outside of marriage. Did I honestly think it wouldn't be this lonely? Ugh, now I'm whining and I hate whiners.

I'm joining the gym at work to take the body pump classes. That way, I won't feel like whining anymore because I'll be too busy sweating. i don't have delusions of a hot body. I only want my clothes to fit like they used to without resorting to plastic surgery. Of course, I'd have to perform that surgery myself, and I'd rather not. Exercise would be much easier. I guess.

It is totally past my bedtime. Maybe I'll dream about something really juicy tonight.

One sick family

I got some things in the mail from my mother and this little hat was among them. Of course, Katie had to try it on. Or, should I say, mommy had to put it on her..

Katie and I are both sick. It's been awful! She got a nasty cold and then gave it to me. It's been so bad that I broke down and took her to the doctor, something I never do with myself. But it had been 10 days of hacking and sniffling, and I had had enough of my poor baby being miserable. I was ready to hear, "It's just a virus" since she had only had a mild fever a week ago. The nurse practitioner said, though, that it was perfect timing for us to come in because 10 days was just too long. So now Katie is on some medicine--provided free by Publix pharmacy--and I hope she gets better soon. I also hope that I get better.

This week was orientation at work. Woah, Nelly! The benefits are awesome. More later. I need a nap.

Back to Work

What a week! The past 10 days or so have flown by as my brother and his wife visited and then work began. I am blessed to have found this job because it is with a department full of smart people. What I really like is that nothing is considered obvious--it's all laid out for me. Even "how to check your voicemail" is something they go over. I've had too many jobs in the past where it felt like we were just thrown in the deep end and then judged harshly for not knowing which way is up.

Taking Katie to daycare, though, was the most traumatic event of all. But I had nothing to worry about! She is having so much fun playing with all their great toys and participating in all the activities that she barely misses me. I do get to see her at lunch time. Thankfully, the center is just across the parking lot from work. It's been hard pumping enough milk...i'm still working on that. However, I have plenty of time to pump and a clean, private room where I go twice a day. That was a relief.

The biggest change has been that I am very exhausted at the end of the day, and so is Katie. She plays very hard and doesn't want to nap at the center, so she's a limp rag by the time we get home. I hope she starts napping soon.

Pleased with myself

An end and a beginning

The past week has been hectic. After months of a humiliating job search, I am finally employed. Before now, jobs have usually fallen into my lap. It was tough when I moved to Colorado right after Sept. 11, but I found a really fun job at Coors Brewing Company as a tour guide, and that was enough to pay the bills. After that, if I interviewed for a job , I got it. Or with my teaching job, I didn't even really have an interview. My friend referred me to a substitute teaching position, and after working for 2 days, I was hired for the rest of the year with the intention of being hired full-time for the next school year. It's all been easy.

Not so this year. By now, I've been of "working age" for 7 years, since I graduated in 2001 from Johns Hopkins--with the oh-so-useful degree in Philosophy. I have a varied resume with most jobs lasting about a year. All have been teaching/training/educating. But I thought my educational credentials would be a blessing and that my personality would make up for any holes in my resume. Unfortunately, they worked against me. I applied to well over one hundred jobs, got immediate letters of rejection from about a dozen, and interviewed three times unsuccessfully before landing this job. I revised my resume many many times in hopes of downplaying my talents, overplaying them, looking smart, looking practical...It was very difficult to figure out what I needed to be saying. I sent bare bones cover letters for low-end jobs, and thoughtful ones for more advanced positions. Sometimes, I'd be rejected for a job within 20 minutes of applying. Since I often sent in applications (that took at least an hour to fill out) at night, that meant no person ever laid eyes on them. Instead, a computer filtered through looking for keywords. So I tried using invisible fonts to insert keywords I thought might help. That tactic didn't work, but I thought it was clever if I do say so myself.

The job I am starting on Monday is a dream job. I will be training adults who work for large companies as they go through a conversion to my corporation's system. So I get to learn technical stuff and teach it. I went through 2 interviews and this time, I was able to be myself. And it paid off. Katie is starting daycare onsite--it's a fabulous place and I'm excited about being blessed enough to get her a spot. It'll be hard to adjust at first since I've been with Katie for months. However, now I'll be able to start paying down debt and building a future for my daughter while working at a job that I hope is personally fulfilling. That'll be a first for me. It only took 28 years for me to start a career.

I've diagnosed my problem, doc...

Today in the NYTimes, there was a short essay on how the doctor-patient relationship has deteriorated, leaving many patients feeling neglected and unhappy. I think most people on the street could tell you they have had a bad run-in with a physician. I know I have. I've had numbness in one of my toes for over a year now. Every doctor I was seeing at the time--Three, since I was pregnant and seeing a specialist--referred me to one of the other doctors, so I was left with no explanation except that it was pregnancy related. Well, my toe is still numb every now and then, so unless I've been chosen to bear the new savior, it's not due to pregnancy.

I've also had other troubles with feeling blown-off by doctors. They will practically laugh you out of the office if you have an idea that might be different from theirs. I've got Katie on Dr. Sears' vaccination schedule, and it's completely conservative, and many doctors won't even look at it. This guy is on Oprah, folks. He ain't no crackpot!

My biggest problem has been with doctor arrogance. We tend to worship physicians as if they are geniuses. Sure, a huge percentage of my friends who went to medical school are quite intelligent. But since I know so many--I went to Johns Hopkins where at least 50% of graduates are pre-med--I also know that few, if any, deserve the genius label. Many were just looking for prestige, money, or validation. Some were blindly following their parents' wishes. And a couple really liked people and wanted to help. When I look back on high school and the folks who are now practicing, I know that they are probably the ones who smugly look at patients as if they are mere peons. My college friends I know are hard working and are probably great, but I still wonder if they've bought into the whole system of entitlement. Reading about the pharmaceutical industry and how they court physicians with money and power, I can't help but feel it's difficult for doctors to ignore the praise.

While I think the work that doctors do is important, I don't think it's that much more important than the work of sanitation workers. I've made the argument for years that a garbage man makes an equal if not more significant contribution to the welfare of society than a scholar--i'm beginning to think the same thing about other professions. We need every last one of them and yet revere only a few.

I tried the whole single mom thing...

Recently, I went to the movies with some friends who had also invited another girl. I had heard about this gal, that she was a single mother, too. Turns out that she was either getting married or had just married the baby's father. She said to me, "Yeah, I tried the whole single mom thing for a year," and then trailed off. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be proud of her or feel sorry for her. She was in the middle of packing up her entire life to move far away to live with the guy--was it love? or was it the need to connect with someone? I will never know, of course. She's gone for good.

The past eight months have been very lonely for me. I have moved away from my friends in order to be closer to my family, but with no job and no resources (like money!), it's been hard to find satisfying interaction with others like me. I've briefly spoken with some women at the library during story hour for babies, but most of them are military wives. And other single moms? I have a great friend who lives thousands of miles away, but none here who are like me. I'm even afraid to talk about it for fear of seeing "the look". It's the one that people give you when they feel sorry for you.

The only times I've ever felt sorry for myself were right after Katie was born and I had no one to take care of me despite an excruciatingly painful episiotomy and the sleepless nights that followed for weeks. The other tough times have occurred when friends asked me to go out and then were offended I had to say no...and then when friends just stopped calling. Otherwise, I've got my beautiful daughter to keep me company. And now with my job prospects looking better every day, I know things will get back to normal. Soon, I'll have the resources to meet other moms at the local indoor playground. Maybe I'll go on a date or two. Maybe one day I'll have sex again, just maybe--although I will have ample forms of protection. My biggest hope, though, is that I'll be able to provide a good example for Katie as a woman who can balance work, family, AND friends while taking full responsibility for my destiny. A mother who defines herself solely through her children --that was my mother. When we left, she had no identity and she blamed us. I do not want to fall into that trap.

Would I marry Katie's dad just because I'd "tried the whole single mom thing" and it was too hard? Nope. Marriage should be about some kind of meaningful partnership based on at least respect, friendship would be better. Love would only be icing on the cake. But just because I'm lonely? Good Lord, no. I have too much self-respect for that.

In the blink of an eye

Katie Bel is now mobile. She's been scooting around for awhile, but in the past few days, she's really started moving. Everyday, she learns a new skill. It means sleepless days and nights, but the end result is awe-inspiring.

Katie has also grown like a weed. After several months of almost no gain in height, she has grown at least 2 inches, if not more, for a grand total of 27.5 inches. She'll be going on her first date before I know it.

The hidden cost of luxury

The NYTimes reported today that some types of granite countertops, whose presence is now ubiquitous in upgraded kitchens, are contain uncomfortably high amounts of uranium, which emits radon as it decays. For those of us who live in homes with cheap landlords, we only have to worry about roaches and uninsulated attics, but those with a history of cancer or high risk for the disease might have reason to get their luxury finishes tested.

Why is it the norm to assume a substance is safe until proven otherwise? I understand that we can never prove something is safe beyond any shadow of a doubt, but when you're dealing with a natural stone mined from the Earth, I would think that wondering if it were radioactive wouldn't be that far-fetched. But one expert in the article says that they don't even know the provenance of the granite being imported into this country right now.

Lesson for now? Beware exotics, folks. It's better for the planet to stick close to home anyway. And if you're worried, get your granite tested. Maybe go with concrete for your next renovation. That's a super green kitchen finish and pretty trendy, too.